In the aftermath of 8th July 2016, the state and central government faced an unprecedented situation where the unyielding population rose up in a ‘sudden’ and ‘spontaneous’ ‘revolt’. More than four months have passed and the situation is still far from normal. The “unemployed youth”, “masked agitators” and jilted lovers drunk on the rhetoric of “separatists” and Zakir Naik stand their ground defiantly and the government, too, is in no mood to relent. Now, I provide my unsolicited recommendations to the government to extricate it out of this difficult spot and end this stalemate once and for all (or till next June):
- Impose unrelenting day and night curfews. Ban the entry of milk, vegetables into neighborhoods. The curfew should be so strict it should make Gul-e-Curfew of yore look like Hatim Tai in comparison.
- A former PM of the country had infamously suggested the panacea to the vexed issue “within the three diseases of Dengue, Malaria and Chikanguniya.” (Even though they are endemic to the ‘Republic’). Frighten the populace and shout down their calls for reasonable discourse by repeating the three-disease mantra over and over again.
- Discredit the ‘revolt’ by accusing the people of revolting at the behest of a foreign ‘actor’, ideally Pakistan.
- Trash-talk Pakistan and remind them of their human right violations like the killing of an Indian spy, Kulbushan Jadhav, in Pakistani movie WAAR.
- Instill patriotism into hearts and minds of the revolting population by airing Manoj Kumar’s jingoistic films like Kranti and Roti, Kapda aur Makaan (rename it Bijli, Sadak aur Pani) on all channels.
- Even more important than the above point is to remind them how Sunny Deol singlehandedly defeated Pakistani army in one movie, with the help of a single rifle that too while holding a Tiranga in another hand. Drill in their minds how in another movie he had uprooted a hand-pump in Pakistan. This point will make them realize the futility of locking horns with a mighty army, which has ‘jawans’ with meta-human powers.
- Issue a tough statement against Pakistan through Bollywood actors e.g., GHUS K MARAY GAY. Meaning- you will unfurl Tiranga in PaK, in Sunny Deol’s next flick (Titled: Gadar Again- The surgical-strike) and annex it with India. The plot of the new movie will revolve around Sunny Deol digging up hand-pumps from all the provinces of Pakistan except Balochistan. Sunny’s nemesis Ashraf Ali will make him shout Kejriwal Zindabad and Modi Murdabad.
- DO NOT ever disconnect telecom services. Instead gift free Jodi-pack sim-cards, with unlimited talktime and internet data to the youth. Name it Baat Banay Boli Say Scheme It’s safe to assume that 95% of the 5% miscreant population is love-stricken and the last thing you would want is 100% of 95% of those 5% youth holding petrol bombs in their hands instead of cell-phones.
- Even after they shout HUM KYA CHAHTAY from the top of their voices, pretend you don’t understand exactly what they want. Now constitute a committee and engage with the real stakeholders of Kashmir like barbers of UP, Goldsmiths of West Bengal, Masons and laborers of Bihar, rag pickers of Rajasthan, Carpenters of Punjab, Shikarawalas of Dal Lake and Ponywallas of Gulmarg. Now try and figure out: a) Whether the rest of the handful Kashmiris have an iota of Insaniyat and Kashmiriyat within them. b).Whether they are even worth the next round of theatrics. This will buy you some time and you can think of more Chanakya strategies to suppress them.
- Divide them into categories: 45% are Salman Khan fans, 14.5% suffer from alopecia (including the author), 0.5% have been on Bharat Dharshan tour under Sadbhavna, 25% are IAS aspirants, 10% Follow Barkha Dutt on Twitter. And the remaining 5% tend to buy coffee and milk from police stations. Confuse them of their own being.
- Truth should be banned. Make it anti-national. Those who utter even a whimper of truth should be dealt with sternly. Counter their truth with the ‘real’ truth. Tell them they (miscreants) are not even 5%. They are actually 0.5%. If they say earth is oval, tell them it’s flat, that Kaaasmir was our atoot ang even before Dinosaurs existed, that Bandits were the “original” Kashmiris who inhabited Kashmir even before BIG BANG happened and all the others were “outsiders”. And BIG BANG happened because a Kashmiri Bandit namely Anupump Khar farted…from his mouth… that it was not even BIG BANG but BIG FART.
- While stone pelting has rocked Kashmir since 8th July, it is imperative to differentiate “good stone-throwers” from “bad stone-throwers”. “Bad stone-throwers” are those who hurl stones at ‘security personnel’ whereas “good stone-throwers” are those who smash the wind shields of vehicles ferrying patients or who burn auto rickshaws, trucks and schools. Both the categories of youth can be of immense utility as per my understanding:
Capture the “miscreants” on tape while they are throwing stones. Analyze the videos and identify the most talented stone throwers. Raid their houses; whisk them away to police stations and MAKE THEM AN OFFER THEY CAN’T REFUSE: Train them for Olympics, in sports that need similar talent like Discus throw or Javelin Throw. But in order for them to really excel you will need to keep your ‘security forces’ with all their battle gear and pellet guns ready in their (youth’s) peripheral vision otherwise they wouldn’t get the necessary adrenaline rush. The flipside is that instead of javelin or discus; they might hurl a petrol bomb.
- If the above points don’t work ten unleash your biological arsenal i.e., Patanjali products. Bombard the people with Patanjali ads until they buy every single product ever conceived by the Yoga Guru. Eventually after consumption, the products will do their work and the miscreants will suffer severe bouts of loose motion and they will stay at their homes.
- In the end if even that doesn’t work and the people still make shrill voices for Azadi then use pepper gas, tear gas or pellets and bullets on them is NOT the suggestion I am making.
To be continued…
Disclaimer: This write-up in no way tries to undermine or trivialize the sacrifices the people of Kashmir have rendered over the past four months. Needless to say, the author doesn’t even advocate violence (or Patanjali goods) on the people. His only intention is to bring smiles on the morose faces of his beleaguered people and if he manages to do that to even 5% of his readers, he will consider it a job well done.